29 Jan Embracing Inconvenience

Having returned from the US and Canada in 2018, I ended up moving back in with my parents for a
couple of years, thus becoming the typical representative of the boomerang generation. My brother
had left the nest a few years prior, so this time around I was an only child. The process of getting
used to one another was harmonious, but it required some adjustments, given that I had already
developed a handful of new habits as an adult. I remember my mom’s amusement at the sight of me
wearing sunglasses in winter, the Quebec way. In Poland, they made me look a bit eccentric back
then.

One evening, I found my parents engaged in a lively discussion in the kitchen. They were scratching
their heads. Apparently, they had just received a phone call from a priest friend of theirs who always
showed up out of the blue, unexpected and spontaneous, in spite of his old age. He made it clear
that he wished to be picked up and it was also assumed that he would take over the guest room for a
few days. There was one problem this time, however: my parents had a very tight schedule and thus
were at a loss how to manage everything and meet the priest’s expectations.
The fact that the conversation took place shortly after my return from Canada did matter. I was quite
independent having survived seven years on my own in a remote place. As it is often the case, one of
the side effects of such newly-acquired autonomy was excessive focus on self-affirmation. I had
learnt many valuable things in Canada, no question about that. However, it did not cross my mind
that I’d better un-learn one thing, namely, the expectation that life would conform to my rules and
would always be predictable and fair.

With a true missionary zeal, I told my parents that no one should claim the right to control their time
and they should feel completely free to refuse the favor. “Be assertive!” I said sternly. I was
indignant seeing that someone dared cause them so much trouble, be it in the name of seasoned
friendship, and bother such hard-working and good-willed people who have a lot of their plate.
Someone has decided to make a sudden appearance, with no advance notice, and expects them to
bend over backwards to meet his expectations. Outrageous!

Luckily, my parents chose not to heed my “smart” advice. They managed to accomplish the
impossible: by moving a meeting or two and switching the car for public transport (mom) to enable
my dad to pick up the guest at the requested hour, they brought and welcomed him with all due
honor. They did not think twice about the stress involved in adjusting their busy schedules. They did
everything gracefully, without a hint of feeling of forced sacrifice, focusing on the task at hand. They
are good at such things, you know. They let my advice fall on deaf ears.

The Dynamics of Indignation
The emotional climate around that episode of hospitality became my key to understand many
contemporary mechanisms and the role played by emotions that we choose to feel, in a sense. Many
social circles seem to be buffeted about by chronic indignation directed at petty and grand things
alike. One is indignant because life requires that he/she do something extra that had not been
planned, respond to an unexpected challenge, or sacrifice a tiny bit of freedom. Indignation is like a
not-so-secret explosive in one’s pocket. Ironically, it is often put to use by people who have all the
essentials they need and more. They walk around in a permanent state of indignation and make sure

that the fire of indignation will not be extinguished. In doing so, they resemble the Vestales striving
to keep their holy flames a-burning.

Moreover, they are additionally angered by those who do not necessarily share in the indignation.
Such a peaceful soul is regarded with suspicion and likely to be accused of possessing a lesser degree
of social and political awareness or, worse still, be at a primitive stage of their personal development.
The illuminated indignant try to make their indignation contagious, taking pride in their foresight and
intelligence, apparently superior to the intelligence (if any) found in those who do not feel the same
way and try to take everyday challenges in their stride without giving them much thought, or simply
focus on things other than emotions.

“It is for their good”
There’s something tricky when it comes to indignation, something that makes it difficult to dismiss: it
is the seemingly altruistic source of that state of mind. Quite a few individuals claim to become
indignant at the sight of someone else’s harm. This being so, the emotion either can be justified
morally, or such a justification is fabricated and tailored to the needs of the ever-hungry ego of the
angry soul. There is a huge difference between the two scenarios. In the latter case, the indignation
is an artificial emotion, “power of the mouth” or a classic case of virtue-signaling that needs to feed
on new substance every single day. It is orchestrated by someone who delights in his/her ability to
notice injustice or oppression. Having noticed it, this person feels morally superior to all others
involved in the situation because he/she is the first one to have seen it through and turned indignant
at the sight for the good of another (of course). This was me lecturing my parents on the visit of their
priest-friend: deep inside, I was taking pride in the fact that I was the first one to notice the problem,
name it, and use my “wisdom” to offer my parents a protocol to follow. I smartly referred to the
universal right to say “no”. I prioritized the right to manage one’s own time to avoid all disruption of
comfort.

Had my parents avoided the disruption and opted for the peace and quiet they were allowed to
preserve, they would have missed out on something tremendously important: a priceless encounter
with a friendly soul.

Alternative Emotions
Of course, we do occasionally find ourselves in situations where some assertiveness is in order and it
is good to know how to say “no way” loud and clear and set boundaries instead of just sucking it up. I
venture to assert, though, that indignation is, more often than not, an extremely poor response to a
crisis and, as such, it ought to be exchanged for something more valuable. The good thing is that the
palette of emotions is incredibly rich. Yes, I do believe that we often choose what we want to feel.
Instead of turning indignant, we could simply acknowledge that something bothers us, hurts us,
makes us question certain things and goad us into quick action. Something can be negotiated,
changed, or reiterated on our terms. There are many ways to handle reality. Each human being is
capable of adjusting their physical and mental faculties in ways that are nothing short of
extraordinary. Most of the time we do have room for sensible action and reflection on how to cope
with the changing circumstances.

Serious Consequences

I think that most displays of assertiveness, which follow the logic “I’m doing it because I can exercise
the right to do so” blindly and feed off of one’s indignation, are risky things. They should come with
warning labels akin to those featured on packets of cigarettes.

Why? Because actions inspired by blind indignation, if made habitual, can force one to recur to
radical, mindless action and impoverish the wealth of human relationships. Would such an extremely
assertive mindset make motherhood possible? Hardly. Being a mother tends to require of us,
mothers, that we put out the fire of irritation with a sea of patience, thus forcing us to counter-act
the anger that we feel. Would such a mindset allow us to accept an unplanned pregnancy gracefully?
Would it let us take care of an elderly relative with love, even if we had other plans for our life?
Would it let us welcome thrice the number of expected guests and cook dinner for them without
whining? No, it wouldn’t. In so many cases, the combination of ill-placed assertiveness and
indignation would make our lives and the lives of those close to us a living hell.

Our contemporaries often fall into the trap of illusion that if something bothers us initially, or gives
us something extra to do, it has to inspire indignation and be eliminated, or, if the former is
impossible, it has to produce an angry tirade. They are convinced that people need to be spared
unexpected challenges and be always in control of their lives, because they are fragile and deserve
the comfort of predictability. They fail to notice that the tools they propose to fix unfavorable
circumstances are ridiculous and make people into underachievers. It is way more profitable to face
reality and, with effort, shape the difficult circumstances into something valuable.

Once we dissect the cheap feeling of indignation, we will find the false dichotomy underneath. It
assumes that we are either naive martyrs who let others push them around and abuse, or individuals
gifted with awareness and love of fairness, ready to turn everything upside-down and put their
ostentatious ability to get righteously angry on display. It would be more profitable to look the
‘problem’ in the eye and decide what type of action is needed. The thing is, life does not need to be
“fair” at all times. A “fair” solution might actually backfire and hurt not only the agent but also the
people around, weakening their relationship. It could feel as liberating as a closing gate.

Meanwhile, if one is ready to embrace the adventure of life and remain open to temporary
challenges, it often turns out to be the best path forward. The farther we distance ourselves from
empty manifestations of our rights, the more confidence and mental strength we will develop. We
will believe in our ability to cope, we will appreciate the ups and downs of human relationships and
remain open to new things. Although the road to those new things is bumpy and curvy, with a scary
off-the-road feel, it is definitely worth driving on.