01 Feb What kids do to us

AH, THE THINGS THAT KIDS DO TO US

A lot of ink has been spilled to describe how children change our lives. They change our bodies and turn our schedules upside-down, ruining the inflated egos of former pros of time management, now chaotic parents. They make many of us, the lukewarm millennial tribe, either hot or cold on many issues, as we develop our own parenting philosophies and survival techniques.  Our kids bring to light both our strengths and weaknesses and get busy exploiting both without apology.

I’ve noticed a few other changes that I owe to my kids. These are changes in perception that I think have made me a more thoughtful person.

1. Thanks to being a parent, I almost instantly felt solidarity with other parents, including those I had babysat for during my earlier years when I was still single. Some of those families introduced routines that felt odd at the time. Now I get why they did those things. I understand why those parents made their children’s naps an absolute priority (well yes, kids get tired and cranky without them, plus we the parents need some time, sometimes,  to collect our thoughts). I totally get it now why one dad who was a renowned cook (and even released a video series on gourmet foods) instructed me to serve his daughter plain pasta and ketchup  for dinner (now I get it: she must have been a picky eater regardless of her father’s profession). I understand now that, if you breastfeed, the baby basically has you wrapped around his/her little finger. This thing was tough to figure out from a babysitter’s perspective. I kept thinking, “the poor woman has no character and the kid has been taught no schedule”.  So, more solidarity, less judgment.
2. Thanks to being a parent, I’m learning to respect everyone more because I imagine their early years. I know now that it takes a village to raise a child and a lot of care and love before an adult can grow wings. As I look at a student from my class, I sometimes imagine him or her as a young child. I imagine the mother caring for them and feeding them every day, the father showing them things the garage or around the house, hoping that they would grow up to be decent and successful individuals.
3. When I’ve discover the beauty of parenting, I’ve realized how vulnerable people are and how easily they can be destroyed. I remember a conversation I had once with the director of the Auschwitz concentration camp museum. He said that he had always found it very difficult to walk through the museum exhibits and come face to face with the horrible fate of the prisoners. The scale of those atrocities was unimaginable. But, he added, when his own child was born, the emotions intensified further so that he found those visits hardly bearable. When you experience the beauty of parenting and you realize how innocent and helpless children are, encountering cruelty inflicted on human beings is like feeling a knife turn in your wound.
4. It’s absolutely fascinating to realize how much I have changed with each one of my kids. My first was born when I was 31. Of course I loved him but that love did not prevent me from being irritated by the lack of control I experienced.  I found that having an infant makes planning impossible. If, in an act of desperation, you pretend you can carry on with your life like you did before, you end up being miserable, or worse, your child suffers from such an attitude (unless you have an army of babysitters, cleaners and cooks to fill in for you: I didn’t). The truth is, I didn’t know how to reconcile my needs with my baby’s needs and I felt like I was busy but not terribly productive. When my second son arrived, life became much more difficult. BUT it was a welcome change. I felt a lot more competent and patted myself on the back at the end of each day I survived with the two, who were only 20 months apart. It felt like a huge rite of passage. I finally understood that I was more than a caregiver – to my sons, I meant no less than the entire world. It sure made me feel special. And finally, when my daughter arrived, I learnt to appreciate the early stages of infancy. I knew they would not last forever. I did not whine as much. I thank God for every day with them even though I am chronically sleep-deprived. Whenever things become crazy and unmanageable, I imagine that I’m a comedian on a live show and I laugh my head off in the midst of hopeless chaos.

So here I am, doing the balancing act with my trio, older and wiser, and feeling like Comedy Central pretty much every day.